A WORD OF ADVICE

DON'T BUY YOUR LADY-FRIEND SOME RED UNDIES AND GIVE THEM TO HER BY HIDING THEM IN THE BED SHEETS AND PULLING THEM OUT ASKING AT THE SAME TIME, "WHO'S ARE THESE?"
THERES A STRONG POSSIBILITY SHE WON'T FIND IT FUNNY, AND ALSO A SLIGHT POSSIBILITY IT MIGHT MAKE HER CRY............

ANOTHER TRUE STORY

AWHILE BACK I HAD A MOUSE IN THE HOUSE. TIRED TRAPPING IT SO WE COULD FEED IT TO A SNAKE , BUT HE SLIPPED UNDER THE DOOR AT THE LAST MINUTE, BASTARD GOT AWAY. SO OUT CAME THE POISON. I PUT OUT A FULL TRAY OF DEACON IN THE KITCHEN. CAME HOME FROM WORK LATER THAT DAY AND HALF WAS GONE. NEXT DAY, IT WAS ALL GONE. NOW I'M PRETTY POSITVE I HAVE A DEAD MOUSE OR TWO SOMEWHERE IN THE KITCHEN. MUCH TO MY DISAPPOINTMENT, I NEVER FOUND ONE.
FAST FOWARD A MONTH. I'M CLEANING OUT A CUPBOARD THROWING OUT EXPIRED FOOD. GET TO A BOX OF OLD OATMEAL, THE INSTANT KIND THAT COMES IN LITTLE PACK. I PEAK INSIDE THE BOX AND FIND ALL THE POISON HAD BEEN EXPERTLY TRANSFERRED TO THE INSIDE OF THE OATMEAL BOX!

FUCKERS ARE GETTING SMART. NOW THEY'RE TRYING TO POISON ME. TIME TO STEPUP MY GAME-

TRUE STORY-

SO MY AND THE WOMAN WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY WITH A SMALL LIST OF A COUPLE ITEMS WE NEEDED. WE SNAGGED A BASKET AND PROCEEDED ONWARD. NOW, FOR THE RECORD, I DIDN'T MAKE THE LIST. IT'S ITEMS THAT WE NEEDED OR ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY OF, LIKE ANY LIST, RIGHT?

FIRST ITEM ON THE LIST- LUBE, CHECK

SO THEY WE ARE WITH A BASKET WITH NOTHING IN IT BUT LUBE,

AND THAT IS WHEN I RUN INTO MY MOM-